On My Own
by phoenixdown7
Summary: A short songfic depicting Harry at the end of OotP sitting by the lake. The song is 'On My Own' by The Used.


On My Own  
  
This is a fanfic that takes place during the end of OotP, when Harry is sitting by the lake thinking about Sirius' death. I felt the scene was so moving that I just had to write a songfic about it. The song is 'On My Own' by The Used.  
  
see all those people on the ground  
  
wasting time  
  
The lake was placid, reflecting the sun easily into Harry's eyes through his closed lids. He opened his eyes a bit to see all the milling students relaxing on the other side of the lake, without a care in the world.  
  
The sun was too bright. In an attempt to lessen the sting, he brought his hand up from where it once was resting on his knee to cover his eyes. His fingers felt wetness as he pressed them down on his lids and he realized vaguely that he was crying.he didn't want to cry.so he roughly swiped away at his tears.  
  
i try to hold it all inside,  
  
He hadn't cried in years.well, not really cried. Yet now, staring into nothingness even though there was a bright world right in front of them, he realized that this was as good a time as any to start.  
  
but just for tonight  
  
Sirius was dead. Harry felt a deep hole inside him clench as though sucking more life out of him, leaving him drained. He didn't know what to do, where to turn. The past couple days had been a blur. he didn't even know who he was anymore. He was different from everyone now.separated. And now, the one man he thought he could fall back on and be understood by, was gone.  
  
the top of the world  
  
sitting here wishing  
  
the things I've become  
  
that something is missing  
  
What was he now? A weapon? It felt like it. After what Dumbledore had told him.the Prophesy.he felt numb to his fate. He, Harry, was expected to kill or be killed by a Dark Wizard three times his superior and senior and it was going to be soon. He could feel it.he felt it with the same certainty that filled him when he felt Voldemort's mood. He knew the battle would be soon.  
  
But what did they expect him to do? Why had Dumbledore and others always put so much faith in him when all that had let him survive was luck and stupidity? Harry looked down at his reflection in the glittering water. He saw a boy staring back at him, ruffled looking in every way. The boy in the water had pale skin that contrasted shockingly with his raven black hair. The corners of his mouth were pulled down in a worried looking frown and his emerald-green eyes conveyed every emotion between despair and fear.  
  
"I can't do this." Harry whispered and watched the boy in the water silently mimic his words.  
  
Harry felt a white hot rage fill him and slammed his fist into the water, effectively erasing the boy. How could they expect him to do this? He was only 15 .what did he know about saving the world? He wasn't meant to do this.not yet.not ever! He hated Dumbledore for telling him and for not telling him earlier all at once. Yet, he hated Voldemort more. Voldemort, as far as Harry was concerned, could just go 'eff' himself!  
  
Harry's hands had balled into fists and, breathing hard, he began to feel the sting of his nails digging into his palms. Trying hard to calm himself down, he breathed in slowly. He was meant to do this. The thought came to him from the back of his mind. He was apart of some prophesy after all... a prophesy that connected his fate with Voldemort's. He was the only one who could.  
  
maybe I...  
  
but what do I know  
  
Harry made a sigh that sounded suspiciously like a half-sob and stared at the lake again, which was twinkling back at him as though in sympathy. He continued to watch across the lake as some second year boys laughed while attempting to poke the giant squid, wading lazily near their side of the bank, with a long branch from the beech tree. The squid made a startled movement at the unwelcomed sting and then flew deep into the bowels of the lake again. Two sixth year girls, who were sunbathing with their toes in the water and their blouses unbuttoned, shrieked as a large waved created by the shocked squid drenched them. Harry found that he felt nothing at seeing these things, he just felt numb.disconnected.  
  
and now it seems that i have found  
  
nothing at all  
  
I want to hear your voice out loud  
  
slow it down  
  
"Where are you Sirius? Padfoot?" Harry whispered hoarsely. Nothing answered his call but a slight chill breeze wafting past him into the forest behind. Harry felt a cold, hard weight settle on his shoulders and move down to his chest as he breathed. He wasn't going to answer.never again.  
  
What did he have to live for now? Harry thought miserably, noticing subconsciously that the water wasn't gleaming quite as much anymore. It was entirely fitting to Harry's darkening mood.  
  
without it all  
  
I'm choking on nothing  
  
it's clear in my head  
  
and I'm screaming for something  
  
What about Dumbledore? A voice asked in the back of Harry's head. What about Dumbledore? He asked back.  
  
He wasn't about to forgive the Headmaster any time soon. After all, his words were partly the reason why Harry felt so down now. Before, Harry would have done anything to know the secret to his connection with Voldemort. He burned to know why Voldemort had attacked his family 14 years ago. Yet now that he knew, he wanted nothing to do with what that knowledge implied.  
  
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all  
  
Harry sat there, crouched into himself by the lake, until the sun set and the lake rippled with a new and softer light. His face was icy where his tears had once paved paths down his cheeks. All of the students had long since made there way back up to the castle. Noticing, as though for the first time, his surroundings; Harry got up slowly and made his way around the lake towards the castle as well. He wiped his face on his sleeve one last time to make sure that he didn't look like someone who had spent their afternoon crying by the lake once he had to face another student. They wouldn't understand.none of them, even Ron and Hermione, would never be able to understand what he felt right now.  
  
He was all alone.  
  
On My Own.  
On My Own.  
On My Own. 


End file.
